Got a Joke?

[WapitiTalk1]

I know we can all use a good joke or two to share around the campfire. I'm terrible at remembering them but have a few that have withstood my poor memory. Sooo, share a joke with your fellow elknuts Please, keep them as clean as possible.

[zpd307]

awww, the dirty ones are the funny ones....

[Gypsumreaper]

There was a gynecologist that had been in the field for years an was gettin tired of the same old routine every day, and starting to get some tunnel vision haha. He decided he was gonna switch fields And be a automotive mechanic. So off to school he studied every night, aced his exams and did the best he possibly could. For the final exam the teacher told them they would have to disassemble an entire engine, then reassemble it, no bolts, nuts or wires could be missing and the engine had to run. So they was the gynecologist he studied for hours and hours wanting to make sure he could pass to pursue his new career. Next day he walks into class and the exam begins everyone is in there working all day long when each person finished the teacher would come over inspect it an fire up the engine. When the gynocologist finally finished the teacher walked over in pure amazement. Went through the motor checked it off and fired it up he then looked at the man an said in all my years I have never seen my thing like this. Confused the gynocologist says what do you mean I took it apart and put it together just like everyone else. The teacher laughs an says ya but I've never seen someone do it through the tailpipe before.

[rudyc]

Two old time elk hunters got lost getting back to camp. They had to cross a fast flowing river to get to camp and had no idea how or where to do it. After some time, they see a very attractive blond gal hiking up the opposite of the river. They got her attention and asked:
"how do we get to the other side" She looked at them like they were from Mars and said:

"you already are"

[Fridaythe13th]

Grandma's home remedies...





"For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps."

"When do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick!"

[WapitiTalk1]

Two old time elk hunters got lost getting back to camp. They had to cross a fast flowing river to get to camp and had no idea how or where to do it. After some time, they see a very attractive blond gal hiking up the opposite of the river. They got her attention and asked:
"how do we get to the other side" She looked at them like they were from Mars and said:

"you already are"

[WapitiTalk1]

An elk hunter headed out on a four day hunt in Montana with his wife and mother-in-law. One night, while everyone was sleeping in the wall tent, the man's wife awoke to find her mother "gone". Shaking her husband out of his restfull sleep, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started out to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable alder wall, and had a very large male grizzly staring her down. The wife cried, "what are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The griz got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[Washington Wapiti]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[stringunner]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

LOL Now that was funny!

[Washington Wapiti]

Thank God, cuz it is the only one I got!

[WapitiTalk1]

OK, here's one of those "gotcha!" jokes that always gets at least one person.

Start off with telling the group (campfire, office, worksite, classroom, etc.) that a neighbor kid came running over last night asking for help. Her folks were gone and her little brother had put the kitten in the freezer and she just found out! You ran over and sure enough, there was a 10 or 12 week old kitten laying on the kitchen floor, stiff as a popsicle. It appeared dead but just on an off chance, you gave your sister a call who has worked on a farm all her life. She told you that they used to put a teaspoon or so of kerosene in the mouths of what seemed to be still born calves or lambs and many times, it would "shock" them back to life, kind of like little pills heart patients put under their tongue. You told her, "hell, there's no kerosene around here"! She said to try just a bit of gasoline in the kittens mouth.. couldn't hurt. You go to your friends garage, grabbed a bit of gas, and spoon fed it into the little cat's mouth. And lo and behold, the kitten "jumped to his feet, ran around the kitchen 100 miles an hour, did three laps ansd smashed into the refridgerator and fell over". Somebody will always ask. Did it die? Your response.................. no, it just ran out of gas

[Elkduds]

3 hunters walking through the snow. #1 sees tracks, kneels down and studies them closely. He stands up, announces, "6 point bull, heading north, and goes in pursuit. A ways farther, #2 finds tracks, kneels, proclaims, "4 point buck, going south," off he goes. #3 wanders on, finally finds some tracks, kneels...then the train comes.

[Washington Wapiti]

OK, here's one of those "gotcha!" jokes that always gets at least one person.

Start off with telling the group (campfire, office, worksite, classroom, etc.) that a neighbor kid came running over last night asking for help. Her folks were gone and her little brother had put the kitten in the freezer and she just found out! You ran over and sure enough, there was a 10 or 12 week old kitten laying on the kitchen floor, stiff as a popsicle. It appeared dead but just on an off chance, you gave your sister a call who has worked on a farm all her life. She told you that they used to put a teaspoon or so of kerosene in the mouths of what seemed to be still born calves or lambs and many times, it would "shock" them back to life, kind of like little pills heart patients put under their tongue. You told her, "hell, there's no kerosene around here"! She said to try just a bit of gasoline in the kittens mouth.. couldn't hurt. You go to your friends garage, grabbed a bit of gas, and spoon fed it into the little cat's mouth. And lo and behold, the kitten "jumped to his feet, ran around the kitchen 100 miles an hour, did three laps ansd smashed into the refridgerator and fell over". Somebody will always ask. Did it die? Your response.................. no, it just ran out of gas

LOL! I'm just twisted enough to try and make this work! Delivery is important on this one.

[Washington Wapiti]

3 hunters walking through the snow. #1 sees tracks, kneels down and studies them closely. He stands up, announces, "6 point bull, heading north, and goes in pursuit. A ways farther, #2 finds tracks, kneels, proclaims, "4 point buck, going south," off he goes. #3 wanders on, finally finds some tracks, kneels...then the train comes.

[wawhitey]

how many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? hippies dont screw in lightbulbs they screw in dirty sleeping bags


how many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? they wouldnt change it, theyd just wait for it to burn out, then follow it around for 25 years.


the rest of the jokes i like would get me booted from the forum so ill exercise some self control

[Steve G]

Along the same lines as Phantoms Gotcha:

I was working at my first professional office with a young tree hugger who found a crippled bird on her way into the office one morning. She placed it in one those large yet extremely flimsy envelope boxes and placed it on the floor next to her desk.

While she was away getting coffee, a co-worker transferred the delicate bird to another box and returned the original box to its place on the floor next to the young lady's desk. After she returned to her desk, we visited her and "accidentally" pushed a large heavy book off the desk square on top of the fragile box. The box flattened. The shock and horror that went through her face was something else. We quickly revealed to her the box with the very un-squashed bird, but she never did see the humor in it.

Maybe its the fact that she told me she put a higher value on animal life than that of a human's (her's excepted), but I still laugh every time I think about it.

[Elkduds]

Saw the Griz thread across the way, reminded me of this. Sprout-and-granola couple arrive @ trailhead in Yellowstone, known for grizzly activity. They met a ranger, standing next to the Grizzly Warning sign. Female hiker explained they googled safety around grizzlies, so she had tied bear bells on her pack. Her beau added he had the most expensive and potent bear spray to be found in Seattle, in a holster on his belt. Ranger listened for a minute, then said, "sounds like all you need to know is how to tell the difference between black bear sign and grizzly sign. See this? It has hair and berries in it-that's black bear scat. Now, how can I tell this pile over here is from a grizzly? Simple: it is loaded with bells and smells like pepper spray."

[WapitiTalk1]

Saw the Griz thread across the way, reminded me of this. Sprout-and-granola couple arrive @ trailhead in Yellowstone, known for grizzly activity. They met a ranger, standing next to the Grizzly Warning sign. Female hiker explained they googled safety around grizzlies, so she had tied bear bells on her pack. Her beau added he had the most expensive and potent bear spray to be found in Seattle, in a holster on his belt. Ranger listened for a minute, then said, "sounds like all you need to know is how to tell the difference between black bear sign and grizzly sign. See this? It has hair and berries in it-that's black bear scat. Now, how can I tell this pile over here is from a grizzly? Simple: it is loaded with bells and smells like pepper spray."

Perfect.. Thanks.. I'm using that one.

[mds]

The evils of rifle season:

Three old hunting buddies are walking in a meadow. The first one remarks, "It sure is windy today." The second responds, "I thought it was Thursday?" The third one ponders a moment and says, "Me, too. Let's get a beer."

[rudyc]

Ole Olson was on his deathbed, knew the end was near, and was with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons.

"So", he said to them, "My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin; and Lena, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse was just blown away by all this, and as Ole slipped away, she said, "Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property."

Lena replied, "Property? ...The idiot had a paper route!"

[tdiesel]

Saw the Griz thread across the way, reminded me of this. Sprout-and-granola couple arrive @ trailhead in Yellowstone, known for grizzly activity. They met a ranger, standing next to the Grizzly Warning sign. Female hiker explained they googled safety around grizzlies, so she had tied bear bells on her pack. Her beau added he had the most expensive and potent bear spray to be found in Seattle, in a holster on his belt. Ranger listened for a minute, then said, "sounds like all you need to know is how to tell the difference between black bear sign and grizzly sign. See this? It has hair and berries in it-that's black bear scat. Now, how can I tell this pile over here is from a grizzly? Simple: it is loaded with bells and smells like pepper spray."

this goes with this story

[Ghost]

A husband and his wife are out kayaking in alaska, the fog rolls in and they get seperated, try as he might the man just cant find his wife. He makes his way home, and calls the state police and the coast guard. He has a sleepless night waiting by the phone. The next morning theres a knock at the door, there stands two state cops with a somber look on their faces.

The senior cop says to the man, well I have bad news, good news and great news. The man expects the worst so he asks, give me the bad news first.

The state cop says, we found her, she was 25 feet down, dead.
The man asks with a puzzled look, whats the good news, the state cop says, when we brought her up she had a dozen king crab, 8 snow crabs and 10 lobster hanging on her.

Shocked the man asks so whats the great news, the cop says.........



We're bringing her up again tomorrow

[WapitiTalk1]

Shocked the man asks so whats the great news, the cop says.........We're bringing her up again tomorrow

[timberland]

Ole had a little farm just outside Mankato. One day while he was out plowing, a twister comes up and takes Ole, the ox and the plow. GONE! Three days later, right during Ole's funeral, up walks Ole himself, dirt in his eyes and hair, clothing torn, scratches everywhere. As Lena is crying and huggin' him, the Preacher comes up and lays a hand on Ole's shoulder. "Ole," he says, "the good Lord surely was with you." Ole says "Vell, If'n da gud Lord vas vit me, He vas a-mooovin!"

[navet]

Not a joke but it is funny..Wish i had that much free time hahah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f5007ItTiQ

[WapitiTalk1]

Not a joke but it is funny..Wish i had that much free time hahah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f5007ItTiQ

One of the best hunting VIDs I've ever seen!! Hilarious.

[zpd307]

that was some good watching, there!

[Deafirishman]

I just bought a guard dog. He's really good. I mean really good....I haven't been able to get in my house for 3 days now !!

[Lark Bunting]

Two Elk Hunters were glassing from a high ridge. They spot a small heard and decide to wait for the winds to be in their favor before making an approach. As they are glassing and eating a snack one spots a funeral procession coming down a highway quite a ways off in the distance.

Charlie stands up, lays down his bow, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. Once all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his bow and begins to prepare for the long stalk which awaits.

"Wow," says his hunting partners. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You interrupted your hunt to pay your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

(Modified from a classic golf joke)

[WapitiTalk1]

[quote="Lark Bunting"]Two Elk Hunters were glassing from a high ridge. They spot a small heard and decide to wait for the winds to be in their favor before making an approach. As they are glassing and eating a snack one spots a funeral procession coming down a highway quite a ways off in the distance.

Charlie stands up, lays down his bow, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. Once all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his bow and begins to prepare for the long stalk which awaits.

"Wow," says his hunting partners. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You interrupted your hunt to pay your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

[zpd307]

that is pretty darn funny!

[rowdycwby1]

Along the same lines as Phantoms Gotcha:

I was working at my first professional office with a young tree hugger who found a crippled bird on her way into the office one morning. She placed it in one those large yet extremely flimsy envelope boxes and placed it on the floor next to her desk.

While she was away getting coffee, a co-worker transferred the delicate bird to another box and returned the original box to its place on the floor next to the young lady's desk. After she returned to her desk, we visited her and "accidentally" pushed a large heavy book off the desk square on top of the fragile box. The box flattened. The shock and horror that went through her face was something else. We quickly revealed to her the box with the very un-squashed bird, but she never did see the humor in it.

Maybe its the fact that she told me she put a higher value on animal life than that of a human's (her's excepted), but I still laugh every time I think about it.

[Triplebhunters]

Kind of tough keeping this pg rated but I will try.

Why can't potatoes see?

Because you removed their eyes.

[Fridaythe13th]

>>>>A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
>>>>
>>>>The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
>>>>
>>>>The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
>>>>
>>>>The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
>>>>
>>>>Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
>>>>
>>>>The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
>>>>
>>>>The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

[ishy]

Just remembered one since reading an article about Harvard study about Jesus being married. So after the last Pope died he was getting the tour from Peter checking out heaven and all its glory. Peter asks him if there is anything he would like to know or see. The Pope says yes I have always wanted to read the original bible before any translating took place. Peter says that's a wonderful desire and leads him to a room with the original manuscripts are kept. After a couple hours Peter hears a terrible scream,"There's an R! No, say it isn't so! There can't be!" Peter runs back to check on the Pope and asks what the yelling is about? The Pope responds," It says celebrate not celebate!"

[timberland]

A Hells Angels member is walking down a beach in Baja when he comes upon an old lamp. While cleaning it POOF a genie pops out. While normally getting three wishes is S.O.P., because of the biker's questionable history, he is restricted to one. He states that he had never been to Hawaii, and that he'd like to go. But only if he could ride his beloved Harley there. "Wait a minute," the Genie says,"don't you understand the logistics to building a bridge to paradise entails? The cost, the man hours, etc. I just don't believe it's feasible. "Is there perhaps a second wish I could grant?" The biker replies "I guess I always wondered what my woman is thinking when she looks at me funny. How does a woman's mind work?"

Genie replies "Does that bridge need to be four lane or two."

[Fridaythe13th]

That is one start Genie