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Joke of the Day

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Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 10 14, 2014 •  [Post 1]

Please, keep em clean ;)

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "do you have cashews"? The bartender sais no and the duck leaves. The very next day, the same duck walks in and asks "do you have cashews"? The bartender, a bit annoyed sais no! The next day the duck waddles in and ask the same question..... the bartender responds with "hey, if you come in here again and ask me if I have cashews when you know I don't, I"m gonna nail your bill to the bar"! The next day the duck walks in and aske "do you have any nails"? The bartender replies curiously, no... I don't have any nails. The duck then sais, well, do you have any cashews? :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby pointysticks » 10 15, 2014 •  [Post 2]

a time traveler orders a beer in a bar, and the bartender tells him, "we dont serve time travelers"
a time traveler walks into a bar.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 10 17, 2014 •  [Post 3]

Nobody else? I know you cats have better jokes than pointy and I :)
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby twinkieman » 10 19, 2014 •  [Post 4]

We are kind of limited keeping them clean, but here is one I remember.

Do you know what "Bills" In Buffalo Bills stands for?

Boy I Love Losing Superbowls
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby wawhitey » 10 19, 2014 •  [Post 5]

Okay, so this one lacks profanity, which means its as clean as i have. If you think otherwise feel free to delete it. I think its pretty pg13 though.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies dont screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby pointysticks » 10 20, 2014 •  [Post 6]

what do you call 40 guys sitting around watching the super bowl?

"the Dallas Cowboys"

badumbump!!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby wawhitey » 10 20, 2014 •  [Post 7]

How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

They wouldnt change it, theyd just wait for it to burn out then follow it around for twenty years
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby pointysticks » 10 20, 2014 •  [Post 8]

wawhitey wrote:How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

They wouldnt change it, theyd just wait for it to burn out then follow it around for twenty years


Haha.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 10 20, 2014 •  [Post 9]

pointysticks wrote:what do you call 40 guys sitting around watching the super bowl?

"the Dallas Cowboys"

badumbump!!


The old cruddy cowboys just may get close this year. We'll see :)
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 10 20, 2014 •  [Post 10]

Indian Summer, Elknut, and I were hunting the last week in MT last year for whitetails out of Three Forks (Thanksgiving timeframe so the bucks were in full rut). We'd seen a handfull of shooters but Indian Summer was dead set on besting his previous pig WT so he was holding off till the last few days and kept saying he had a special formula/trick for getting the big bucks in close. We had no idea what he was talking about but knew he had shot some very nice WT bucks so we were curious. Elknut and I were sitting around the campfire on one of our last evenings in the Big Sky State wondering where the heck IS was? We heard a crazy commotion coming from the south out of a willow thicket down by the creek and the next thing we knew, IS was running through camp... I mean running... with a rope tied to his waist with at least 12 or 15 deer antlers tied to the rope he was dragging? He almost hit the campfire as he ran by us and faded off into the distance. We looked at each other in amazement, wondering what the heck he was doing.. Then the sound came back in our direction, the same thing... IS was dragging a big handfull of antlers on a rope tied behind him.... Elknut jumped up, stopped Indian Summer and said "what in the HE double toothpicks are you doing Joe? IS, as calm as the morning tide responded with "I"m trolling you fools, don't you know anything" :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby timberland » 10 21, 2014 •  [Post 11]

What do the MN Vikings and a salvaged truck have in common?

Neither one has a TITLE! GO, PACK, GO
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Indian Summer » 10 22, 2014 •  [Post 12]

Whew... I was nervous when I saw my name as the first word of a joke!!!

I've always wanted to kill a non-typical bull. I know this guy that's killed lots of them. I asked him... how do you kill all of those unique looking bulls? He said it's easy.... unique up on them.

Sorry... all of the other jokes I know might get me banned from here. :lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 10 22, 2014 •  [Post 13]

A group of men were hanging around the archery range after a shoot when a cell phone rang. One of them immediately picked it up;

Man: Hello
Woman: Hi Honey, are you still at the range?
Man: Yes
Woman: Well, I'm out shopping and found a new leather coat I love and it's only $500. Can I buy it?
Man: Sure, if you like it, buy it.
Woman: Great!! I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and that one I love is down to $65000. What do you think?
Man: Well, for $65000, go ahead and start the paperwork, just make sure it has all the options you want.
Woman: Thanks honey, and that great home we've been looking at.....the realtor called and said he thinks they'd take $485,000 for it today.
Man: Well, offer them $440,000 and if they don't budge go ahead and offer the full $485,000.
Woman: Great honey, thanks. I love you!!
Man; I love you too, bye.

Hanging up he turns to see all of the rest of the guys staring in disbelief and says- "anybody know who's phone this is?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Fridaythe13th » 10 23, 2014 •  [Post 14]

timberland wrote:What do the MN Vikings and a salvaged truck have in common?

Neither one has a TITLE! GO, PACK, GO


Damn cheese heads!!!! Ya but we are going to get a better draft pick that well probably go to jail. take that :lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby timberland » 10 27, 2014 •  [Post 15]

I really do have a hard time teasing you guys, I just feel sorry for you. The only reason I do is I live so close to the cities that's the only tv stations I get so I have to hear every year how well they are going to do until they lose their first game, then they suck rocks. I can't get the Pack on if the Vikes are playing at the same time :cry:

I also know who to vote for in MN, but don't even know who's running in WI
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Fridaythe13th » 10 27, 2014 •  [Post 16]

timberland wrote:I really do have a hard time teasing you guys, I just feel sorry for you. The only reason I do is I live so close to the cities that's the only tv stations I get so I have to hear every year how well they are going to do until they lose their first game, then they suck rocks. I can't get the Pack on if the Vikes are playing at the same time :cry:

I also know who to vote for in MN, but don't even know who's running in WI


Good you can vote for me. Because there all the same to me, but I still vote. Were in Wisconsin do you live. I work in Red Wing so I'm not to far away.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby timberland » 10 28, 2014 •  [Post 17]

Burnett Co northwest of Cities 1 1/2 hrs. Hunt in Buffalo Co across the river from you quite a bit
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Elkonthebrain » 10 31, 2014 •  [Post 18]

Want to hear a joke about Ebola?



You probably won't get it.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Trumkin the Dwarf » 11 06, 2014 •  [Post 19]

How's a trapper know he's caught a blond coyote?



It's chewed off three legs and is still stuck in the trap!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby pointysticks » 11 07, 2014 •  [Post 20]

Elkonthebrain wrote:Want to hear a joke about Ebola?



You probably won't get it.


Haha.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Indian Summer » 11 08, 2014 •  [Post 21]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Miles City, MT. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 11 08, 2014 •  [Post 22]

:).
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby timberland » 11 12, 2014 •  [Post 23]

WI passed concealed carry law recently. In light of this:

A state trooper makes a traffic stop and walks up to the window to find a lady in her 80's behind the wheel. She states that she is indeed "packin'" and has a .38 in her purse. She then confides she she also has a .44 in the glove box. Then as she 's handing the trooper she informs him of the sawed off shotgun behind the seat.

"Ma'am", I have to ask. "Are you afraid of something?"

"No, sir" , she says, "I ain't afraid of ANYTHING"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 05 07, 2015 •  [Post 24]

Pinocchio, Snow White and Tom Brady are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Tom Brady?" asked Pinocchio. ;)
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Lefty » 05 19, 2015 •  [Post 25]

Q: What do you call a sober Packer fan?
A: A liar.
Q: Why do ducks fly over Lambeau Field upside down?
A: There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in Green Bay?
A: A tourist.
Q: What's the difference between a female Packer fan and a bullhead?
A: One has whiskers and stinks and the other one is a fish.
Do you know why Minnesota is so windy
Because "Wisconsin sucks"

OK no more pac attack
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Lefty » 05 19, 2015 •  [Post 26]

Ive always liked any version of these two
NDLEA officer stops at a ranch in Makurdi, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The NDLEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the NDLEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"


A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 05 20, 2015 •  [Post 27]

My daughter sent me this; got a kick out of it. ;)

IMG_1171.JPG
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Njdiverdan » 05 22, 2015 •  [Post 28]

John and Tom were out deer hunting in New Jersey. As it is in Jersey many deer stands are within sight of a road. Well, these two hunters are sitting in their stand when this great 10 point buck starts to walk in. Around this time a funeral procession is heading down the road that is within sight of the stand. Suddenly, Tom stands up and removes is cap as the procession passes. Of course the buck runs off. John, now pretty upset with Tom says "why on earth would you do that"? As Tom is sitting back down replacing his cap "well, we were married for 20 years".
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 05 24, 2015 •  [Post 29]

To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Q: why do cows wear bells?
A: because their horns don't work!
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 06 19, 2015 •  [Post 30]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Go to good will and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch along with a copy of guns & ammo magazine.
3. Put four guard dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your front door that reads:

"Bubba

'Me and some buddies went out for more ammo and beer, be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. better wait outside. Be right back.'

Coofer"
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 07 04, 2015 •  [Post 31]

How about 'wordy dird' jokes? I've got a good one about a woodpecker! ;)
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 07 05, 2015 •  [Post 32]

That was kinda a joke in itself, wordy dird jokes easily turn into dirty word jokes if one can put two and 2 together! :|
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 07 09, 2015 •  [Post 33]

OK this ones long but hilarious if you ask me! (snagged it from another forum)

Installing Your Husband...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

*****

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 08 03, 2015 •  [Post 34]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” :D
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 08 20, 2015 •  [Post 35]

For those of you that are going to carry water up the mountain for your camp etc. I highly recommend this stuff, it saves space and is fairly lightweight.


dehywater.png
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“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Ghost » 08 20, 2015 •  [Post 36]

Last night Air Force One crashed during that crazy thunder storm outside of Chicago into a small farm. The FBI quickly went to investigate, but looking at the crash site they knew there were no survivors. They looked frantically through the reckage trying to find president Obama's body, but it was nowhere to be found. There were only a few scattered bodies of security guards, so maybe Obama didn't died they thought. Maybe he had gotten out and went to get some help. In the next field over, there was a farmer plowing his field like nothing ever happened. They quickly run over to him.
FBI Agent: "Excuse me sir, did you see that plane crash over there?"
Farmer: "Yessiree I certainly did".
FBI Agent: "Did you see anyone get up and walk away?" Farmer: "Nope. I buried them all this morning. Didn't wantem stinkin' up the place". FBI Agent: "Did you realize president Barack Obama was on that plane?" Farmer: "Yep, buried him too". FBI Agent: "You buried the president?" Farmer: "Well, he kept saying he was still alive, but you know how that SOB lies"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Ghost » 08 20, 2015 •  [Post 37]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska state troopers.
"We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?"



The trooper said, "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GobbleFarmer » 09 02, 2015 •  [Post 38]

;)

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 09 02, 2015 •  [Post 39]

So bad but funny :)
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby timberland » 10 29, 2015 •  [Post 40]

Two blonds are watching the news when a story comes on about a bus accident that has multiple injuries leaves one Brazilian dead.
One blond loses it, and through uncontrollable sobs and streaming eyes, she cries "That's horrible. How many is a brazillion?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 10 29, 2015 •  [Post 41]

timberland wrote:Two blonds are watching the news when a story comes on about a bus accident that has multiple injuries leaves one Brazilian dead.
One blond loses it, and through uncontrollable sobs and streaming eyes, she cries "That's horrible. How many is a brazillion?"



:lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Elkduds » 10 29, 2015 •  [Post 42]

Why couldn't the lizard change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 11 12, 2015 •  [Post 43]

Phantom16 decided to go hunting with his buddy, Indian Summer. So they loaded up Indian Summer's truck and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible, white out, blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Phantom16 said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of hunting with both buddies putting down a nice MD buck.

But about nine months later, Phantom got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Indian Summer and asked him "do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Indian Summer.

"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit, asked Phantom?"

"Well, um, yes," Indian Summer replied, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Indian Summer's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

Well, replied Phantom, she just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you)... :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby wawhitey » 11 14, 2015 •  [Post 44]

So i ripped this off from another website, cracked me up.

What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza, and a frozen beer have in common??
An idiot who forgot to pull it out in time.
Real eyes realize real lies
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 11 14, 2015 •  [Post 45]

Man, I hate a frozen beer :lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 11 17, 2015 •  [Post 46]

Confession Confusion................

THE FIRST TEXT MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much...

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.


THE ACTION

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his iPhone and he saw he had a subsequent message from his dead neighbor.

THE SECOND TEXT MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I'm sure you figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my auto-correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Damn auto correct.

Technology hey?!?

I'm sure you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 11 30, 2015 •  [Post 47]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it! :)
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby longbowelk » 12 08, 2015 •  [Post 48]

A woman wakes up one night and finds he husband missing from bed. She goes downstairs to find him in the kitchen crying. She come up to him and says honey what is wrong we can fix this together. He responds with" you remember the night you father caught us together and told me marry your daughter or spend 16 years in jail for indecency with a minor" She replies"of course" He then replies"Well I would og got out of jail today".
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 12 08, 2015 •  [Post 49]

longbowelk wrote:A woman wakes up one night and finds he husband missing from bed. She goes downstairs to find him in the kitchen crying. She come up to him and says honey what is wrong we can fix this together. He responds with" you remember the night you father caught us together and told me marry your daughter or spend 16 years in jail for indecency with a minor" She replies"of course" He then replies"Well I would og got out of jail today".



:lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 02 28, 2018 •  [Post 50]

A buddy (Slim9300) just sent this to me and I had to share it. Joke of the year as far as I'm concerned :lol:.

The Montana Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S8® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know nothing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby wawhitey » 02 28, 2018 •  [Post 51]

Seems a lot like this. Only this isnt meant as a joke. :roll:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby scubohuntr » 03 01, 2018 •  [Post 52]

Two guys get to a new drainage on the third day of a backpacking hunt. There's a derelict farmstead down in the valley.

Bob turns to Jim and says, "We're about out of water. What do you want to bet there's an old well down there?"

"Worth a try. Let's check it out." They hike down the hill and sure enough, there's an old well next to the rundown barn.

"I can't see any water down there, can you?"

"Nope. No rocks around. Drag that old anvil over here, and we'll drop it down to see if there's water."

It takes both of them to drag the anvil over, but they finally tip it into the well. They don't hear any splash, but to their great amazement, a billy goat comes running by and jumps into the well. While they are reflecting on this development, an old farmer comes around the corner.

"Hey guys, have you seen my old billy goat around anywhere?"

Bob speaks up, "It was the darnedest thing, he just came running past here and jumped into the well."

"That's impossible! I had him tied to an anvil!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 03 01, 2018 •  [Post 53]

:lol:
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