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The art of the PB&J Sammie!

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The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Tigger » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 1]

After it came to my attention that RJ does not know how to properly make and eat a PB&J sandwich, I thought I would do my civic duty and publish this simple guide to both making and eating a PB&J for your next hunting adventure. I hope by doing this, the reader is able to avoid future embarrassment and in some states, legal consequences, for attempting the illegal manufacture of a PB&J.

Perfeshunal PB&J Sammich maykin:

1. Select your bread. This is one of those steps where you have some choice in this process. Know that depending on the temperature of the peanut butter in a later step, there could be consequences for choosing to soft of a bread.

2. Select your peanut butter. Creamy or chunky will work but most men pick creamy. Of those that pick chunky, 98.46% wear skinny jeans and 100% are compensating for something. Make sure your peanut butter is at least room temperature. Cold PB is like spreading a lump of Montana Breaks clay on your sandwich.

3. Select your jam or jelly. Raspberry is preferred do to its sweetness and homogeneous consistency. But others will work. Except orange marmalade. If you are one of the 3 people in America that like orange marmalade, make a meat sandwich as the first step in getting your man-card back.

4. Assemble ingredients and spread a nice layer of PB on one piece of bread and a copious amount of jam on the other. Then double the jam. Twice. Any less and you will be ridiculed and justly so and in 3 western states can actually be ticketed for not enough jam.

5. This next step is important so pay attention. Pick up the piece with the PB and place that precisely over the piece with the jam. Should you pick up the jam piece, the jam will spill all over the counter and leave a mess for your wife. Believe me when I tell you that if she gets sticky because of your sammie, you will face a week without....well it won't be good anyway. Tolerance on the precise placement of the PB slice over the jam slice is a generous 0.0046518 millimeters on either side.

6. Get out a ziplock bag that is just a little bit too small for the sandwich and attempt to stuff said sandwich into the baggie. It does not matter if you smush the sandwich a little in this step, just do NOT tear it. Seal the bag and lick all of the accumulated jam off the top of the bag with your tongue.

7. Immediately upon sealing the bag, find the nearest chair. Place sandwich on chair and sit on it. I mean really smash that sucker down. Some people have been known to get a rubber mallet at this point and beat the crap out of the sandwich, but that is only for pros and will be covered in an advanced course later on.

8. Put the sandwich anywhere in your pack. Since you have pre-smashed it in step 7, it doesn't matter where it goes. If you don't have enough room in your pack, see step 7 and repeat.

9. Lunchtime and time to enjoy this culinary treat. Best to eat this right after you have just boogered a nice bull that took off at warp speed for the next drainage. Open the ziplock with your bare hands. Reach in and pull what you can out of the bag. During this step you will discover if you have put too much peanut butter on the bread. If there is too much, it will stick to every surface in your mouth. 86.517% time this happens when you are running low on water. Scientists at Stanford University have studied this phenomenon for years and cannot determine the correlation or causation but that number is solid.

10. Attempt to lick off the jam that has infiltrated through the bread from your fingers. It is at this time that you will likely remember picking up those elk duds with your fingers to test how fresh they were. Then lap up any left over jam from the inside of the bag. This will ensure you have jam on your nose and cheeks. Save that for later. You will not drop you bow or gun due to the your sticky fingers all afternoon!

I really hope this has been a help. Yes, it was obviously a long day at work and I needed an outlet!
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby wawhitey » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 2]

Good stuff there, but everybody knows its chunky or gtfo. And if you have access to homemade huckleberry jam, thats the only way to fly.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 3]

Note to self. Tigger is "not" allowed to prepare any food if/when he is present at my camp :shock: :lol:. I won't ask how he tenderizes a steak :mrgreen:
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby pointysticks » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 4]

rookie..a pro would put PB on both pieces of bread for a moisture seal against the jam. :)

the smashing is similar tho.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Tigger » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 5]

Okay, we now know that wawhitey wears skinny jeans.

Note to everyone else, RJ won't let me prepare food if/when I am in his camp. See how easy that was? I like omelets for breakfast RJ!

and pointysticks...well duh! How are you going to get elk dud/raspberry jam flavored fingertips in the middle of the mountains if you put PB on both sides? Didn't think that through now did ya? :lol:
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby wawhitey » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 6]

Tigger wrote:Okay, we now know that wawhitey wears skinny jeans.

Note to everyone else, RJ won't let me prepare food if/when I am in his camp. See how easy that was? I like omelets for breakfast RJ!

and pointysticks...well duh! How are you going to get elk dud/raspberry jam flavored fingertips in the middle of the mountains if you put PB on both sides? Didn't think that through now did ya? :lol:


Hey now, im one of the 1.54% that is just compensating for something.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby pointysticks » 03 02, 2018 •  [Post 7]

hahahhah..

face red.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Lefty » 03 04, 2018 •  [Post 8]

10 year old boy method
1. open Wonder bread loaf, put two slices on kitchen table,..
2. Any peanut butter will do; any large spoon , heap spoon of peanut butter crushing the air out of the Wonderbread
3. any bright colored jam or jelly as long as it is loaded with sugar, tip opened jar to 45 degree angle , scoop out jelly or jam with the same spoon onto the peanut butter, clean off excess peanut butter and jam on side of jar or lid.
4. Head outside or in front of the TV., eat; Wipe messy hands on jeans.
5. blame mess in kitchen table and open loaf of bread on younger sibling, preferably one that is out of earshot.

Alternative 1 step methdo: open Peanut butter jar, open jam jar, grab serving spoon from utensil drawer, grab TV remote, turn on TV, select cartoon, start eating peauttbutter and jelly, No bread needed, make sure peanut butter and jelly lids are tight after putting jars back into cabinet.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby scubohuntr » 03 05, 2018 •  [Post 9]

Bonus Pro Tip...

Cinnamon Raisin Bread.

Just try it.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Trumkin the Dwarf » 03 05, 2018 •  [Post 10]

wawhitey wrote:Good stuff there, but everybody knows its chunky or gtfo. And if you have access to homemade huckleberry jam, thats the only way to fly.


This! Also, only the most initiated into the secrets of the mountains can understand that Orange Marmalade is delicious when it's ten degrees and snowing.

And I only wear a loincloth, what are these jeans you speak of?
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Joe Schmo » 03 05, 2018 •  [Post 11]

I haven’t laughed at anything on the internet in awhile...awesome!!
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby wawhitey » 03 05, 2018 •  [Post 12]

Trumkin the Dwarf wrote:
wawhitey wrote:Good stuff there, but everybody knows its chunky or gtfo. And if you have access to homemade huckleberry jam, thats the only way to fly.


This! Also, only the most initiated into the secrets of the mountains can understand that Orange Marmalade is delicious when it's ten degrees and snowing.

And I only wear a loincloth, what are these jeans you speak of?


If youre a fan of orange marmalade, i can only assume your loinclogh has spent a lot of time with a bedazzler. Im thinking pink and purple sequins, lots of rhinestones, and probably a tassle or two, creatively placed.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Tigger » 03 06, 2018 •  [Post 13]

It seems we have a couple of members who are wayyyyy to knowledgeable about loincloths. :shock:

But back to PB&J, the question has come up, how long are they good for? I maintain that they are good for the hunt plus. If it is an 8 day hunt, they are good for 8 days plus the time it takes you to clean out your bag after arriving home. Who hasn't cleaned out there bag a week or so after the hunt is over only to discover that mashed PB&J from Day 1 of the hunt in the bottom of your bag. Luckily, ziplocks work both ways and the blood on the outside doesn't take away from the deliciousness on the inside. As you find this little gem, you think about it.......smile....and open up that sucker and take a tentative bite. Within seconds, the whole sammie is devoured. I just know this has played out for most of us. You would NEVER think of doing that with a meat sammie, especially if it contains mayo!
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Charina » 03 07, 2018 •  [Post 14]

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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby WapitiTalk1 » 03 07, 2018 •  [Post 15]

I know this may go against the grain of this thread but there is a better way to enjoy the wholesome goodness of such a delicacy than to butt or pack smash PB&Js (no sense loafing around)! Perhaps, just perhaps, this mid day energy snack could be (wait for it......) made on the mountain :idea:. See images below for a gear checklist relating to field created fluffy, nourishing, PB&J or PB&H sands..... :D
Jef PB to Go.jpg
Jef PB to Go.jpg (123.79 KiB) Viewed 369 times
Jelly.jpg
Jelly.jpg (58.42 KiB) Viewed 370 times
Honey.jpg
Honey.jpg (56.82 KiB) Viewed 370 times
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby Swede » 03 07, 2018 •  [Post 16]

You clowns are making this forum into a circus. This needs to be cleaned up and turned to the more serious side. The next thing we could be reading about here is the virtues of banana with peanut butter. Put one of those in your day pack.
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Re: The art of the PB&J Sammie!

Postby ishy » 03 07, 2018 •  [Post 17]

Potato chips and bacon are both great additions too. Haven't attempted at the same time, but I'm sure it would work.
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